Sprints and Marathons

In the previous post, we came across some interesting plans and study techniques, which I tried to use, in order to propel my rank. Like any plan, the beginning was smooth. I was able to cover most topics, revise according to plan and was starting to feel a little confident. The coaching classes were also going pretty well, and I had made some excellent notes. Things were looking good.

And then, I met one of my friends in our college. He had obtained a good rank, and hence, taken a good clinical branch at our institute. We chatted up for a while, and then, he had to leave for evening rounds. It felt good initially, but then, I was engulfed by this strange new emotion. Suddenly, I thought, “We were equals during our MBBS days. In fact, I scored more than him. Then, how does he have a seat and I dont?” I wondered whether he had cheated, or didn’t attend internship postings, or whether he truly deserved to take the seat. The thoughts came in a rush, and it was overwhelming. The emotion was unknown to me. It was Jealousy. I had never been jealous of anyone before. There was never a reason to be. Academically, I had achieved most of my goals till then. But now, someone was ahead of me. Someone, who I thought was my equal or inferior.

And then, as does happen with negative emotions, there started a cycle of different negative emotions, until it started to spiral out of control. There were voices in my head telling me that I was never fit to be a doctor, or that there would be no guarantee I would qualify this year. I saw a couple of juniors in final MBBS pass by. I wondered if they would get a seat before me. It was a condition of helplessness. I decided to snap out of it by doing what I loved the most- eat. I went to the canteen, ordered a hot coffee and a sandwich. Munching down the sandwich, I gave it a deep thought- what was my biggest fear? The answer was obvious- that I might not get a good rank for the second time. So, what would be the worst outcome in this scenario? The possible worst outcome would have been that I would not get a seat of my choice. Was I okay with it? I wasn’t sure. But I would have been happy to give my best shot in this attempt.

You all must be surprised. In the previous chapter, I was talking about getting a rank in top 1000. Here, I am talking about a chance at failure and being able to accept it. Truth is, we need to keep both possibilities in mind. While climbing a mountain, if we keep one eye on the peak, we also have to keep another eye on the valley below us. Success and failure are separated by the smallest of margins, and we often walk on the edge of that margin. A tilt here, or there and it’s all over.

As the months passed, such emotions started coming back again and again. It is exacerbated when you see your non-medico colleague get a job and start earning 1 lac/month, while you are at home, mugging MCQs. It happens to us all, and I was no exception. Sometimes, I was able to fight it out by just talking to my friends in the college, or on the online study group. yes, we had made a small online study group where we discussed MCQs late at night. It was small bunch of 8-9 people. Over time, we grew close to each other, and by the time this phase ended, most of us were friends, despite not having met each other even once. Talking helps a lot. It relieves your stress, makes you feel that you are not alone and gives you renewed strength to fight on. Everyone feels low, at least once. It helps to have someone you could talk to.

Preparation for any exam is not a sprint. It is more of a marathon. You cannot drop out of the race due to fatigue, and believe me, fatigue DOES strike. Sometimes, all it matters is that you are standing. Even if you do not progress, you are happy not to fall behind. Every time such “study fatigue” struck, I’d take a small half-day break, go watch a movie or read my favorite novel. Sometimes, it is better to sharpen the axe, than keeping cutting down tress with a blunt weapon.

As the days winded down, the exam date approached. Barely a month to go, and there was panic everywhere. People were stressed, and for most, the stress was getting better of them. I had a small “last month” plan in my hand, based on the previous revisions, and it helped me remain calm. We had entered the last lap of the marathon, and now it was my turn to sprint. Chapters were revised in a frenzy. I had muted every single Whatsapp group. Nothing else mattered, not even friends. One month passed in a blur. The sprint went on till the D-day arrived. A million thoughts ran in my head, a thousand possible outcomes. Taking a deep breath, reciting my Guru’s prayer and my favorite music plugged in my car, I stepped out.

It had been a long marathon. Now, it was the time to cross that bloody finish line!